This Is Goodbye

Posted on Tue Feb 5th, 2019 @ 10:20pm by Captain Brady Dering M.D., PhD & Captain Karyn Dallas R.N.
Edited on on Tue Feb 5th, 2019 @ 10:20pm

Mission: The First Step...
Location: Brady's Apartment
Timeline: 2388/08/29 1635 (Fri. August 29 2388 4:35pm)

He was leaving tonight. The thought kept repeating itself in any minutely quiet moments throughout her day. She thought it when she was thinking of what to say in session. She thought it as she waited for troubled people to respond to her in session. She thought it when she was writing her notes.

The sense of urgency, the image of his shuttle pulling away feeling hurt and alone, was so strong that for once, Karyn's need to provide him comfort overrode any logical objections she might have had. As soon as her shift was over, she made a beeline for his apartment.

When the door opened, she held up her hand to prevent him from speaking, "Please let me say this, and then if you want me to go, I'll go, ok? I love you, Brady. Maybe it's not the way you wish I did, but I love you. Before we were whatever we are to each other now, we were friends, and I'm coming to you now not as your shrink or your colleague, but as that friend who loves you. I'm not going to pretend it's going to be easy to avoid slipping into my professional mode, but surely you can understand that, I hope. Please, Brady, talk to me."

Speechless, Brady stared with emotion filled eyes for another moment before standing aside to allow her entrance. He swallowed with uncertainty as she entered, and then followed her to his livingroom. "Karyn, I.." he gestured out a hand as he walked around to face her, "I'm not so sure this is..." and he hesitated as he looked at her face, ".. a good idea.."

"That's ok because I am," Karyn replied with confidence. He'd let her in, so a part of him had to agree as well on some level. "You reached out to me the other day. I wasn't trying to push you away, but I did. I want to start over if you'll let me?"

Feeling his heart pound inside of chest, Brady folded his arms and looked down to the floor, his eyes returning to her, "I don't want to hurt you. I hurt you before and...I don't want to do that again."

Not sure what he meant by 'before,' Karyn pressed forward. "I was confused more than anything. I still am, to be honest, but you reached out to me before, and this is me reaching back before it's too late."

"Too late for what exactly?" He remained standing there, staring at her hard.

"You're leaving," Karyn replied, more confused that he didn't realize what she could possibly mean. "I didn't want you to leave feeling hurt and alone, and thinking I'd turned you away when you needed me most."

"You've already done that." He unfolded his arms and turned exasperatingly away, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Karyn...but the way I remember it," he said turning back to her, "before we became whatever we are to each other now, we were more than friends. So much, I bared my soul to you." His eyes narrowed, "Do you remember that?"

"Of course I do," Karyn replied, starting to feel a bit uneasy as they once again started to travel down a road she wanted to avoid. "I was encouraged that we were becoming friends when you asked me to lunch." This was Dallas' way of bringing them back on track because she was still just as confused by their attempt at lunch than she ever was. It didn't seem fair to her that he would bring up the past again without acknowledging that he had reached out to her in the present only to change his mind before they'd even ordered.

"I was trying, but as long as you deny what the real issue is, I don't think we can be. I.." needing to stop to reel his emotions in, Brady then finished, "I'll be fine. And you?"

"I'll have to be fine too," Karyn replied. "Short of holding a phaser to your head, I can't make you talk to me about what you clearly wanted to at one point, but don't anymore. It doesn't seem like you're fine to me or facing any real issues yourself, but that's also not in my control."

Shaking his head, Brady turned away from her, picked up a large empty duffle bag, and then sat it back down. "You're wrong, Karyn." he looked back to her and lifted his chin. There was a hurt look in his eyes. "Three years ago I was too hurt, too confused to see the underlying truth, although I never did fall for the excuse you gave for breaking up with me. But the past couple weeks, I've made some life changing decisions that have forced me to really think about things. Transferring a big share of my workload has given me more time to do some soul searching."

"And what have you discovered?"

Here was the moment he was dreading. Brady momentarily closed his eyes, "I can't tell you that. I confided in you about the lowest point in my life, Karyn. And you compared me to your father, placed me in the same category."

Karyn's first instinct was to respond sarcastically that Brady should keep searching because thus far, his soul-searching looked less like discovering his truths and more about blaming her or making her out to be neurotic and in need of his kindly ministrations.

Taking a breath, she made a conscious effort not to give into it. "Don't analyze me, Brady."

Brady stared at her. The hurt he was feeling, the hope she would for once admit to the truth to him, and to herself, he struggled. He loved her too. "Face the truth, Karyn. I'm an alcoholic, but I'm not your father. He was a drunken abusive bastard, and I never was. My problems now...I'm dealing with them. My wounds, I'm going to heal." His eyes started to tear up, "What about you?"

Karyn's anger deflated by his tears, her tone was wistful and full of regret. "You're so sure you know what I'm thinking and feeling even better than I do, aren't you? Did it ever occur to you that as much as I enjoyed our time together, even as much as I love you, that I would never want the kind of serious commitment you do? That I simply wasn't ready or willing to provide what it was you ultimately wanted in a significant other? I have never denied my past or the fact that it has screwed me up royally, and yes, maybe I do need help if that's ever going to change for me to have a serious love in my life, but *I* get to decide when and how that happens, not you, Brady. Not you."

The anger she felt was apparent by the vehemence with which she spoke, but the hurt and frustration was also evident by the crack in her voice and the tears that came spilling down her cheeks even as she fought to regain control. "I know I hurt you, and now I understand how and how much. I'm sorry. I really am. You needed me not to reject you, to not add to your shame. Guess what, Brady? I needed something from you too. I needed you to see the little girl inside me who spent the first fifteen years of her life learning exactly what an alcoholic represented...the kind of violence and sexual and spiritual degradation that was neatly packaged with a single, clinical term like alcoholism. I needed you to see my fear, and my hurt, and the fact that a child who grows up with the first man she ever loved treating her like that doesn't have the energy or the strength to hold on, just to see if this time it'll be different, even though every single time that very first man promised it would be, and it never was. You needed me to see you as someone different than my father, but how could I? How could I when the one thing you kept from me and the one thing you said to minimize it was exactly like him?"

Looking and feeling like a man shamed and beaten, Brady nodded, unable to speak at first. It was all clear now. Her words had hurt like hell, but seeing her in pain was much much worse. "I'm sorry." he said in a wobbled voice, wanting like hell to unlatch the front of her hover chair and take her into his arms, but knowing she would never let him, it would never happen. It was so damn frustrating. "This...this tension between us is all my fault."

Deflated and feeling guilt of her own as she looked at him, she turned away, ostensibly to wipe away her tears, but more to pull herself together. She had done the very last thing she intended, and now she couldn't decide if it was good or bad. "I never faulted or thought less of you for wanting more, Brady. Hell, just being attractive to a man in a healthy way felt so good, and lest you think I was using you just to feel better about myself, please know that's not what we were about for me. Everything you felt for me, I felt for you ten fold."

Turning back around to face him she offered, "I never wanted you to feel rejected because of how I reacted to your acknowledgement of your past drinking problem. When you told me, I knew in my heart what it took for you to share it, and I knew in my heart and my head that you needed me to take you in my arms and tell you that I didn't think you were an unlovable lost cause. Don't you think I knew that? But you can't tell me not to react like your shrink and then jump on me when you get Karyn, raw and real."

As she finished, Brady had turned partly away from her. Placing one of his hands on his hip, he ran the other down over his mouth, keeping it there for a moment. "It was not my intention to jump on you." he nearly whispered, removing his hand as he looked downward. "I only... You shouldn't have come here, and I...should have left you alone."

"But I did, and you didn't," Karyn replied matter of factly. "If you want to keep me from knowing what is was you sought me out to say, I can't stop you. If you want me to go for good, you're going to have to say the words, Brady."

His stomach tightening, Brady balled his fist and pumped it twice. "I don't want you to go for good." and unable to look at her, a little bit of his frustration came out, "Your timing... you came back into my life when I'm...I'm trying to figure out a lot of things." he thought of his brother, "Just like Cole..." Brady paused and then couldn't finish.

Karyn exhaled slowly. "I don't want to leave either, so that's something we can agree on. Really, Brady, all I want to do right now is hug you. Maybe that's an ok place to start?"

Brady nodded, and then said, "Yeah." He went over to her and bent down, placing his arms around her, with one hand going up to hold the back of her head as she leaned forward and placed her arms around him. He closed his eyes, holding onto her as tightly as the position he was in would allow him to, and his eyes tearing up, he whispered, "Thank you."

Karyn pulled him close to her and resolved not to break the hug until he chose to. "I'm here, Brady. I'm right here, and I'm on your side. Please don't ever forget that."

When he pulled away a moment later, he crouched down before her, not wanting to let go of her as his hands slid down her arms. He held onto her. "I think I know what's been happening to me." he said, struggling to blink back any more tears that threatened to come. Finally, ready and willing to talk about it.

"What?" Karyn asked, taking his hands in hers, wanting to keep the connection with him.

"I think it's...compassion fatigue?" he shook his head, admitting quietly, "I'm really not sure."

Karyn smiled gently. "It's ok, Brady. You don't have to figure it out by yourself. You're not alone, and sometimes just getting some words out is enough for a good start."

"And then what?" he said, looking up at her. "Am I making the right decision?"

"Only you can answer that," Karyn offered honestly. "What's right to me may not be right to you."

Nodding, Brady gently squeezed her hands. He released her and then stood, turning his back on her as he walked over to stare out at the mountain scenery. "I don't want to stop caring, and that's what's going to happen if I don't do this."

Karyn nodded silently. She had never gotten to the point that Brady had but she'd come close, and she knew only he could know how bad it was. "Then you have to go and take care of yourself. I just wanted to be sure you were running toward something and not away from it."

He turned to look at her. There was still so much emotion in his eyes. "I think..." he hesitated, admitting, "I've been doing both."

"Fair enough," she added with a wan smile. She thought perhaps he'd feel more comfortable explaining if she kept her reply simple.

"I'm just not sure what exactly I am running away from." he continued, "That's what I have to figure out, Karyn, and that might take some time.." He extended his arms out from his sides as if to emphasis his words, and he looked lost, "I don't know. I...just...don't know."

"It's ok not to have all the answers," Karyn replied. "Just keep in mind, wherever you go, there you are. Changing your scenery may bring you clarity, but make sure you aren't expecting a change of scenery to fix problems that have nothing to do with your location."

Brady nodded, "I know. You're right." and swallowed, "I don't know what else can be said right now, but I assure you, I'll be continuing therapy at my new posting."

"That's good," Karyn offered quietly. She didn't want him to leave but she knew it was best. "May I kiss your cheek, Brady Dering?"

His eyebrows scrunched a little together, for at first he wasn't too sure her request was a good idea. "Yeah..." he ended up nodding, "okay." and again crouched down in front of her. But instead of offering her his cheek, he placed a hand on the side of her face and touched his forehead to hers. "You're always going to mean a lot to me. That will never change."

Karyn was surprised by the additional physical contact and she found herself relaxing against him, letting her cheek linger against his skin. "I feel the same way. Be well, Brady. You deserve it."

Brady pulled away just enough to look at her. He ran his hand down her cheek and held her chin, "So do you." and he searched her eyes, "I'll make you a deal..."

Karyn arched an eyebrow in surprise. "What kind of deal?"

After searching her face for another moment, Brady shook his head. "Bad choice of words," he whispered, and then inhaled deeply as he corrected himself. "What I meant to say Karyn...is that I'm going to be moving forward and allowing myself to heal. I want the same thing for you. Will you do the same?"

"Moving forward isn't really a choice, is it? Life is going to go on, so of course I'll be moving forward," she replied.

So damn stubborn... he thought as he let go of her chin. "And what about healing?"

Dallas frowned. She knew what he meant and yet she didn't. "I'm not hurt, Brady. I'm scarred. There's a difference."

"There is," he agreed quietly, while pointing out, "A scar indicates the healing of a wound."

"I'm healing," she offered with a nod.

There faces still close, he tilted his head to side, "Talking to someone?"

Karyn shrugged. "I talk to lots of people every day."

Brady momentarily closed his eyes, then tilted his head away, giving up. Forgetting the kiss she had wanted to place on his cheek, he pulled away from her to pick up the duffle bag again as he turned away. "I...need to finish packing and then get some sleep. There's been a change of plans, I won't be leaving tonight. I'll be leaving sometime over the weekend, I'm just not sure exactly when yet. So, I need to be ready...and there's a meeting I've been requested to attend on the starbase first thing in the morning."

"Right, ok," Karyn offered evenly, pulling away as Brady did. She knew she'd frustrated him and she knew what he meant, but she didn't want to talk about her very old scars with someone here, and he was leaving her, so a part of her didn't think it was fair for him to ask that of her. "Take care of yourself, Brady."

He nodded, looking down at the bag and then to her, "I will..." He stared at her as if there was something more he really wanted to say, but instead only managed, "Goodbye, Karyn."

Suddenly there was a lump in Karen's throat she hadn't expected. She wasn't used to saying goodbye, but in many ways, she was used to being left. "Goodbye, Brady."

~~~End~~~


Captain Karyn Dallas, R.N.
Chief Counselor/Counseling Instructor
Starfleet Academy: Magellan Campus

&

Captain Brady Dering, M.D.
USS Solace CO
Temp assign - Magellan campus