Now That I Found You

Posted on Wed Dec 5th, 2018 @ 6:52pm by Senior Captain Connor McKinney M.D. PhD & Captain Madeline Sanchez

Mission: My Place In This Universe
Location: Connor's apartment
Timeline: 2388/08/21 1900 (August 21 2388 7:00pm)

Connor leaned against the balcony railing with his hands, and stared at the snow capped mountains in the distance. Peeking out from between them was the largest of the planet's two moons. Feeling a soft warm breeze and reminded of Maddie, he hung his head as he once again visualized her, his thoughts immediately returning to their talk that morning. To how she ended up, or so it seemed, avoiding him, and him letting her. All the sudden anxiety that clung to him throughout the day...he knew what it meant, but how could he explain it to her.

Having opted to wear something sexy, Maddie tapped Connor's door chime and smoothed down the flaming red chiffon dress with an empire line. She knew that she and Connor had to talk but she also knew that she wanted to go all out to attract him. She was a woman on a mission and had decided that no-one could feel the way she was feeling unless she was finally moving on.

Swallowing hard, Connor pulled away from the railing, and went though his apartment to stand before the door. He rubbed his hand over his face before opening it. He was nervous, more than he had ever been before when it came to Maddie, and looking at her, he could only stare, for she was beautiful. He always found her beautiful, inside and out, but he had never seen her in anything like this dress. And with her hair swept over one shoulder... it was hard for him not to think about how much he wanted her.

"Hi." Maddie smiled at him, the look on his face telling her that she'd made the right choice with the dress, "Am I too early?" she asked as she drank him in. It had only been a few hours but she had missed him.

"No." he shook his head, actually having no idea what time it was. He reached over to take her hand, "Please come in." and lead her inside a few steps, and when the door closed, he leaned in and started gently kissing her.

Maddie let out a soft squeal of surprise as he kissed her having been totally caught off guard. But the feel of his lips against hers, of his body so close soon melted her insides and she leaned into him kissing him back as she lost herself to the moment, entirely caught under his spell.

Releasing her hand, Connor reached up to hold onto her face as he slowly broke the kiss and drew back. "We need to talk." he said breathlessly, reminding them both.

Opening heavy lidded eyes to focus on him, Maddie nodded and echoed "Talk...talking is good." Finally regaining her composure, she pulled away from him and added "So let's talk."

Nodding, Connor stared at her, momentarily uncertain if he should say to her, "Let's start with...why you wore that dress."

Maddie was just about to act glib and answer with 'This old thing?' but then sighed inwardly. It was no point lying to him, especially if she even remotely stood a chance and so she wandered in the general direction of the balcony so that she didn't have to look at him and said "Because I thought that you might like it."

"I do." Connor replied quietly and not moving from where he stood. He looked troubled, and hesitated before allowing his eyes to follow her. "Don't walk inside any further, Maddie."

"Excuse me?" Maddie turned to look at him with a quizzical expression.

"All day long I've been trying not to over think things." he said. "There were times today I felt as if my head was going to explode. So right now...I'm just going to focus on how I'm feeling."

"And how exactly do you feel right now?" Maddie queried softly as she turned fully to face him and met his gaze, her heart hammering away in her chest as she waited for an answer.

"I feel...like I'm falling in love with you." Connor replied firmly, the intensity of his gaze sending shivers of heat through her entire body. "Unless you feel the same way," he said quietly gesturing to the door, "I want you to leave."

She didn't know what she had been expecting, but it certainly hadn't been that. Unable to even talk for a moment as she looked at him she finally said "I won't be leaving." Finally finding herself able to move she began to take a few steps toward him as she added "Because I think I already am." she smiled as she reached his side, "In love with you I mean."

As her words sunk in, Connor's eyes filled and he could only nod, unable to speak. Although the attraction had always been there, so obvious to them both, he couldn't be sure of anything else until now, this moment in time. Feeling his emotions rise within him, he put his arms around her waist and pulled her to him, and rested his cheek against hers.

"Connor..." Maddie breathed as she wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight as she allowed her heart to fill with joy. As she stood there with him, she knew without a doubt that his arms were where she wanted to be more than anything in the entire universe. She actually felt like she was home and she hadn't had that feeling in a very, very long time.

Their bodies pressed together, he nuzzled his face into her neck, feeling as if he would never get enough of her and that he needed her. Her hand stroked the back of his head and he pulled away slowly to look into her eyes before lightly kissing her top lip, then her bottom lip, to kissing her fully as his hands moved to hold onto the sides of her face.

Maddie melted in his arms, his kiss setting her body alive as she returned it. The experience was heightened by the fact that they had finally given in to what was inevitable for she was his and she wanted it to be that way forever.

His fingers lightly touching her, Connor's hands wandered, down her neck, along her shoulders to behind her back. His left arm held her firmly in place as his right hand slowly started pulling the zipper down on her dress.

Wanting nothing more than to feel his skin against her own, Maddie smiled against his lips, her hands wandering down to his waistline to reach for the hem of his shirt pulling it up and over his head in one fluid movement, her lips only leaving his for a moment to dispense with the garment. Tossing the shirt aside, she reached for his belt.

Then Connor broke the kiss and he was breathing deeply. "Maddie..." he whispered, his nerves rising as she undid his belt and the clasp of his pants. Suddenly he grabbed a hold of her hands, stopping her. "I'm sorry," he said, avoiding her eyes as she looked up to him, "but I...I can't do this."

The words took a moment to process through her passion drugged brain but finally Maddie became still and asked softly "Why?"

He took a step back and released her hands. Running his hands through his hair, he turned and walked away from her, trying to sort through the unwanted thoughts that ran through his head. Half dressed with his pants still undone, he stood in one place with his back to her and closed his eyes. He shook his head, "I'm not sure.."

Struggling to do up the zip on the back of her dress, Maddie asked softly "Is this to do with your OCD?"

Connor nodded. "Maybe you should walk away..." he nearly shouted with a heightened accent, and nervously rubbing the palm of one hand on his pants, "instead of getting in any deeper."

"No." Maddie said softly, definitely. Walking towards him, she said "You don't tell someone that you think you might love them and then just turn tail at the first time of trouble." she reached out and took his hand, "That route is for cowards...so why don't you explain to me just how it is? That way I won't be so confused when stuff like this happens." she said as she led him towards the couch.

Connor eyes went upwards thinking how she had 'no idea' as she pulled him over there. He sat down heavily and leaned back. "I'm sorry 'n' you're right, I should explain." he said watching her as she sat down next to him.

"We have all night." Maddie commented as she drew her legs up underneath her and rested back on the sofa, facing him, "So take your time." she smiled softly.

"Alright." he nodded and stared at her intently. He grabbed her hand and his free hand habitually ran over his mouth and chin as he looked away. Staring straight ahead he said, "When I was a young boy I was...'very' scared of germs. I had a couple of years where..it wasn't so bad...then when I was fourteen I...transitioned..."

"Transitioned?" Maddie prompted him, her hand tightening in his in a gesture of support.

"It seems, that after so much time has gone by, that I transition from one type of OCD to another," Connor replied. Then he swallowed tensely and let go of her hand to lean forward holding his hands together as he plunged in. "I started having violent..often horrific images of harming other people."

"And that still happens right?" Maddie said softly as she watched him closely.

"No, not anymore." Connor said quietly and turned his head towards her, "It changed again."

"In what way?" the beautiful Puerto Rican asked.

Connor looked away again. "I didn't see it coming." his voice thickened, "Everything else that happened in the last year..." Feeling haunted, he covered his face with one hand, managing to pull it away a moment later. "It changed to a fear in relationships...in intimacy..."

"So the thought of you and I..." Maddie swallowed hard, "Together, causes anxiety? Panic attacks?"

"No." Connor shook his head adamantly and turned towards her. "It's more complicated than that..." His eyes searched hers and he could see the fear he had placed within her. He reached over and cupped the side of her face. "Maddie, I 'WANT' to be with you."

"Then what is it that's causing so much anxiety? What is worrying you?" Maddie prompted, needing to know why he had just put a stop to events just moments ago.

"The OCD. The obsession. The ruminations. The need for substantiation. The doubts....'n' the questioning. Am I the right one for this person? Is this person the right one for me? Is this love...or is this lust? The list goes on Maddie...'n' then.." Connor looked as if he had just realized something, "...there's me." He looked downwards.

"You? I don't understand." Maddie looked confused, up until that last part she was with him.

Connor licked his lips and his right hand started shaking. It was barely noticeable, and he didn't want her to see it. "Will you get me some water, Maddie?"

"Of course." Maddie went to stand then noticed his hand. Pausing, she reached out and took it in hers, "It's okay you know...I'm here for you." she gave it a light squeeze then headed towards the kitchen to get him some water.

His eyes following her as she headed into the kitchen, Connor stood and turned around, then clasped his pants and did up his belt, hearing her return as he finished.

"One glass of water." she smiled softly as she handed it to him, her eyes taking him in and noticing that he was no longer in such a state of undress as she had left him. Smiling to herself she was glad on a personal note that he hadn't yet retrieved his shirt.

"Thanks." he said quietly, his thoughts having gone to Oralia. Oralia...his ghost. Under the circumstances, it was hard not to think about her, as much as he wanted to forget her. He took a drink and sat his glass down on the coffee table before retrieving his shirt. "You said..." he looked down to the shirt straightening it in his hands, and then back to her, "we have all night." and then he put it back on oblivious to the disappointed expression on Maddie's face.

"Yes we do." Maddie replied as she sat back down on the sofa, wishing that she could take some of his torment away for him.

Connor watched her, his thoughts remaining on Oralia and how Maddie was so unlike her. He was feeling so nervous. "I just found you, Maddie, 'n' I don't.." breathing in deeply, he placed both his hands into the pockets of his jeans, "...want to lose you."

"Well I guess it's a good thing that I'm not going anywhere then isn't it?" Maddie smiled softly at him feeling so much more comfortable around him now that they had admitted their feelings. It wasn't going to be easy but one thing was for sure, whatever lay ahead for them was going to be worth it and she had every intention of sticking around to see it through to the end.

As he took in her words, Connor deeply inhaled, and nodded, finally walking over and pulling his hands out of his pockets as he sat beside her. Leaning forward, he placed his arms on his legs, and ran his hands through his hair, keeping them there and closing his eyes. He couldn't recall feeling this kind of nervousness before.

Maddie sat back, giving him time. There were a number of things that she could say but right now she figured that he needed space. Time to think. A part of her wondered if it might even be better to leave to give him that time but she had told him that she wasn't going anywhere so for now she figured that she'd lend her support by just staying close by.

As all the thoughts went through his head, Connor said quietly, "I've been dealing with this for most of my life, but I've never let it stop me from moving forward."

"Well that can only be a good thing can't it?" Maddie replied softly, "It means that you don't let it beat you."

Shaking his head, Connor removed his hands from his hair, and was off the couch. He took several steps away and placing a hand on his hip, running his other hand over his mouth and chin, he turned towards her. "Only...I'm lying." he said, dropping his other hand to his hip. He stood there and stared at her, "That was true til several months ago, Maddie..." and he looked as if he was struggling, "I ran away...from my job, from a woman I claimed to love because I was spiraling out of control 'n' I..." he raised both eyebrows, "couldn't cope."

"And you're scared that's going to happen again?" Maddie asked as she sat forward on the couch but kept her distance.

"A part of me is.." Connor began to explain, and wondering when she would be running towards the door. His facial muscles tightened. "When the OCD was aggressive obsessions, I worked hard to get it under control. It became very subtle." he paused, breathing in deeply through his nose, remembering. "Then about a year ago I was in a shuttle crash, 'n' it returned in full force. I didn't understand that it was slowly changing. For a time I was dealing with both 'n' I didn't know it. Maddie..." he hesitated, "like I said, maybe it would be best..." and he struggled to say, "if you walk away."

"Why would I want to walk away?" Maddie replied softly, "Because things might get difficult at times?" she asked, "I hope that you don't think that I'm that shallow."

"No...", Connor quickly replied, "that's not what I'm saying. That's not what I think." The thought, Are you sure? went through his head. Running his hand over his mouth again, he turned partly away. He could do this, explain to her what he meant...or maybe he didn't care about her as much he thought he did...

Swallowing hard, he turned back to her and stared for a moment before admitting, "I put Oralia through hell. I...I destroyed that relationship, chased her away."

"But I'm not her." Maddie replied, trying to ignore the flare of jealousy deep inside of her that mention of the other woman caused, "Perhaps things could be different this time..."

"I'm still me, Maddie!" he raised his voice, "Why can't you understand that I don't want to hurt you?!"

"Isn't that a risk that's mine to take?" Maddie asked as she stood up to face him, a determined look on her face.

"Yeah." Connor continued to stare at her, his look intense. "..'n' mine too. So tell me...about Drago."

Looking away from him, Maddie sighed. It was only fair that she open up to him, the way he'd opened up to her and so she began. "He was my Chief of Strat Ops. A Trill with a very old symbiote. He was kind, sexy, passionate and very commanding." she smiled thinking about her old lover, "We fell for each other quickly." she sighed again, "Probably too quickly." she admitted, "When I lost the Minotaur and after the court martial though, things changed. I was blaming myself for what happened, I was stressed, I'd argue with him regularly and it all just went down hill from then." she sat down again, "Finally, I ran away and well...the rest you know." she looked at him with a pained look, "He deserved more than that but I just had to run away. I didn't love him anymore...not in that way though I still consider him a friend."

Connor listened to her words, followed her expressions. With a pained look on his face matching hers, he replied, "That message you received from him, did you ever write him back?"
He swallowed. "I know I'm arguing back everything, but this..." he gestured out a hand, "is so important. I need you to understand that while Oralia was trying to convince herself that she loved me, her heart belonged to another. Maddie, I know I'm not...crushie to love, but I think because I saved her life, she wanted to...'n' I'm just not able to deal with being someone's second choice. Trust is already a difficult concept for me, more so than for someone who's brain works normally. So please, if you haven't yet, talk to him. Then see how you're feeling. For him, for you, 'n' for me."

"I wrote back the next day." Maddie replied, "Told him that it was over, that I was moving on." she added, remembering how painful that letter had been to write. "Drago is my past Connor." she reached out to touch his hand then added softly "And I'm hoping that you might be my future."

Swallowing hard, Connor looked down at their hands. He nodded and whispered, "I want to be."

"Then let's try." Maddie whispered as she took a step closer, "I know it's hard for you but don't let this thing beat you, don't let it stop you from being happy."

Connor nodded again. By the look in his eyes, he was touched deeply, and in a way he wasn't use to. He didn't respond to her with words. Instead he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly to him once again.

"I know it won't be easy but I'm in this for the long run Connor, I can promise you that." Maddie said softly as she looked up at him, offering him the commitment if he wanted it.

Looking down into her eyes, he replied just as softly, "I believe you." He found that he did, and running a hand gently down the side of her face, he added, "There is something I need to take care of. Can you you give me a few days?"

"Of course." Maddie replied, the thought of not seeing him for a few days not easy to bear but she knew that he needed the time and the space to adjust.


END


Captain Madeline Sanchez
XO/Assistant Dean
Magellan Campus

Doctor Connor McKinney
Dean
Magellan Campus