Perfection Isn't Progress
Posted on Mon Feb 4th, 2019 @ 7:16pm by Senior Captain Connor McKinney M.D. PhD & Captain Karyn Dallas R.N.
Mission:
The First Step...
Location: Campus Chief Counselor's Office
Timeline: 2388/08/28 1500 (Thurs. August 28 2388 3:00pm)
Karyn sat in her office and patiently waited for Connor to arrive. Only 24 hours had passed since their last session, but Dallas wasn't sure if he would show up, or if he did, what shape he'd be in. A lot had happened to the man, and with a loved one missing, a lot was likely to come.
The comm unit on her desktop console went off and the stoic voice of her personal counselor's aide, Tamal, came through, =A=Captain Dallas, Doctor McKinney is here.=A=
"Thank you, Tamal," Dallas offered pleasantly. Connor had shown up so that was half the battle. "Please send him in."
A short moment later the door opened with Tamal showing Connor in. He stood there, not saying anything until the door was closed. "Good arvo, Counselor," he said quietly staring at her intently. And then he ran his hand over his mouth, looking away, before returning back to her. He seemed not only intent, but a bit anxious, having resigned himself to a decision, "I know I'm suppose to be here to talk about myself, but it's important that I speak to you about someone else."
Karyn frowned, unsure of what make of Connor's words. Normally, she would suspect any other client of stalling while trying to give the appearance of addressing his feelings, but given the progress Connor had made in therapy thus far, she didn't get that vibe from him now. "What's up?"
Sitting down in the chair he had sat in the day before, Connor stared straight ahead not saying anything for a moment. He shook his head, frowning, deep lines etched in his forehead, "Hearing myself just now..never mind that. I'm doubting myself...even more...on decisions I've already made. I'm 'needing' to go over past conversations, as if other peoples' actions are because I didn't make myself clear enough or said the right things..."
"Which conversations are you replaying in your head?" Playing the 'what if game' was normal for everyone, especially in the midst of a tragedy when it seems like every decision might have led to a different outcome, but Connor's obsessive compulsive disorder meant that reliving anything could signal a resurgence of his most destructive symptoms.
"All of them...personal...professional...it doesn't matter." His blue hazel eyes went to hers, "It's Alex. It's all the waiting." Then he was out of seat, pacing the floor. "You know it helps that I understand all the physical aspects," he then lifted a hand to gesture at his forehead, "of what's going on inside here. So I'm trying to focus my attention elsewhere..."
"That's good," Karyn offered with approval. "Challenging your unrealistic thinking with reality is effort well spent, Connor. How's that going?"
Connor had stopped pacing and stood beside a window. "I need to do better," he said quietly, his hands on his hips as he looked down to the floor.
"Are you looking for perfection or are you looking for progress?" Karyn asked. The nature of Connor's OCD could mean he was searching for perfection when in fact he was doing relatively well.
Her question caused him to pause in his thinking, and his brow furrowed as he had to admit, "It should be progress."
"Do you believe that or is that what you want me to hear? I take it you've been searching for more than progress," Karyn added.
Connor nodded, "Yeah, yeah I have." and he extended out a hand in frustration, unable to reign it in anymore, "Instead of out there searchin' for my brother, I'm stuck here going through the motions of my job! Then an hour ago, there's this troubled kid in my office 'n' I'm ready to throw his ass off the planet." He shook his head, "That's not what I'm here for... I have to do better."
Dallas nodded in turn. One advantage to counseling someone with extensive experience in therapy was that often, she didn't need to spend a lot of time helping him or her explore underlying motivations, or coping strategies. Sometimes just being a simple sounding board was enough. "What can you do to ensure you're able to do better?"
This time he wasn't so sure. "Quit over thinking it?" and with one hand on his hip, another ran slowly over his mouth and chin. He looked away from her as his eyes started tearing up. He had to admit, "The best part of me is missing, 'n' there's nothing I can do about it..."
"There's nothing you can do about your brother right now," Karyn acknowledged, "but remember, that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do, period. What are you doing to take care of yourself? To cope with the anger and the sadness that are keeping you from being the person you want to be right now?"
Connor looked downwards and thought about her question. He knew the techniques to taking care of himself, especially when he was feeling powerless and alone. He swallowed hard for the thought kept going through his head, who was he without Alex...?
"Right now..." he said quietly, "I need to talk about it."
