Not Always Easy

Posted on Sat Mar 18th, 2017 @ 5:02pm by Senior Captain Connor McKinney M.D. PhD & Captain Madeline Sanchez
Edited on on Wed Sep 12th, 2018 @ 6:44pm

Mission: My Place In This Universe
Location: Connor's Apartment
Timeline: 2388/08/13 1900 (August 13 2388 1900)

Maddie's hand hovered over the door chime to Connor's apartment and she wondered why she was finding herself there yet again. Didn't it make sense to avoid him? The man brought out a tumult of emotion in her and her dreams had been filled with thoughts of him. What was it about the man that was reducing her to a teenage girl with a seriously major crush? He was the one with OCD and yet she seemed to be the one with the developing obsession when it came to him.

So...she asked herself again. Wouldn't it be healthier to avoid him?

She sighed.

She couldn't. Her willpower just wasn't that good. Tapping the doorchime she waited for an answer, butterflies of anticipation and excitement as well as fear roiling in her stomach.

The evening was beautiful, there was a light breeze. Focused, Connor was out on his balcony, and was just turning the second of two steaks over on the grill when he heard the door chime. "Come in!", he shouted out. "Okay..." he smiled at the flipped steaks, "ah...perfect.." and then realising he hadn't been heard, placed the tongs aside and started wiping his hands on his apron as he moved swiftly through his apartment, slowing down to open his door a bit roughly, and there was Maddie standing there. "Hey." he smiled a bit boyishly before gesturing her to come inside. "Come on in."

"Thank you." Maddie smiled back, her heart rate picking up slightly as she stepped inside. "Something smells good." she commented as the smell of the steaks wafted in from the balcony.

"Oh.." Connors eyes widen, "yeah.." and he quickly turned and rushed back out onto the balcony, to the grill, to eye the steaks and the coals. He exhaled some air, sounding relieved, "They're cool-bananas."

Following up behind him, Maddie looked at the grill and added "They look good." Her gaze then focused on the beautiful vista beyond the balcony and she sighed happily.

"Consid'rate afortunado." he said with a lousy Spanish accent, "When grilling the perfect steak.." he smiled, looking over to her as he started to explain, and then froze as he found himself for a moment admiring her profile, "..one must never desert their post."

"You know some Spanish." Maddie grinned, clearly impressed despite the awful pronunciation, "Consider me impressed." she added as she walked up to him and peered at the steaks.

"Don't be." he raised an eyebrow over to her, "I've picked up words 'n' phrases here 'n' there, nothing more. Please hand me a plate?" he smiled and motioned towards the two plates on the surface area along side the grill, closest to her.

Maddie did as requested and said "Perhaps I should teach you and then you'll understand me when I'm stressed or angry." she chuckled and added "I tend to revert to my mother tongue when I'm emotional."

Connor nodded, eyeing her as he placed a steak on each one of the plates as she held them over to him. Then a slab of herbal butter on top of each steak and he moved around her to place them on a nearby small table with a place setting for two. "Perhaps that would be a bonza idea." he agreed, forcing a smile. "Have a seat." and he took off back into his apartment.

"Thanks." Maddie called after him, wondering where he was off to.

Connor returned a couple minutes later and set down on the table a serving bowl of a freshly tossed green garden salad, and a plate of sliced french bread. He left again and returned to offering her a bottle of beer as he stood beside the table, and with an uncertain expression, not knowing if she even liked it or would even want one.

Looking at the bottle for a moment, Maddie paused. Beer wasn't exactly her tipple but a drink was a drink right? And goodness knew she needed some alcohol to get through this meal. Though was it a good idea? After all, a few drinks, loosen up a bit and who knew what she would confess. Clearing her head of such thoughts, she smiled and took the bottle. "Thanks." she added before drinking about half the bottle down in one go.

"You're welcome..." he said, watching her as he took his seat across from hers. His brows furrowed as he unwrapped his silverware and placed the cloth napkin in his lap. He looked at the salad bowl, and breathed in deeply as he did his best to shrug it off and failed, and handed the bowl to her.

"Thanks." Maddie said again as she took the bowl and busily helped herself to her salad, painfully aware of the man opposite her. Why couldn't she make conversation with him like she could anyone else? With one look he could turn her into a shy teenager whose tongue had well and truly been gotten by the cat.

Placing his elbows on he table, he held his hands together, intertwining his fingers and stared at her for a moment before busying himself with buttering his bread. "What's wrong?" his voice firmer than he meant it to be. He flinched as his mind went once again to the events of that afternoon, and his eyes went back up to her.

"Why would anything be wrong?" Maddie managed a tentative smile as she grabbed her napkin and settled it across her lap, trying to stop her gaze wandering to his lips and wishing that she could feel them on hers just one more time.

Unsure of how to answer her, and unable as he took in the way she was looking at him, Connor could only stare back. He was feeling that pull again, only this time, he couldn't push back. Throwing his napkin down onto to the table, he rose out of his seat, and reached out a hand for her. It was obvious by his expression that he wanted her to take it.

Her breath catching in her throat as she met his gaze, Maddie too found herself unable to resist as she took his hand and stood, moving as if on automatic pilot around the table to his side.

As she came to him, Connor turned and slowly leaned down to place his mouth over hers. He kissed her softly, deeply tasting her, tasting the beer. He wanted her, if only it was plain, if only it was simple.

With a soft sigh of submission, Maddie gave in to the kiss, her arms snaking around his neck as she kissed him back. Truth be told she had wanted this since the moment she had stepped into his apartment and pushing all doubts from her mind allowed herself to enjoy the moment as she pressed closer to him.

His arms having gone around her, Maddie molded into him, and the evidence of his arousal grew between them. Connor moaned into the kiss, and then just as quickly broke it, and stepped away. His back to her, the side of his hand to his mouth, he waited until his breathing evened out. "Maddie, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Maddie asked feeling more than a little confused, the sudden loss of contact leaving her reeling and having to cope with a body that was on fire from desire.

"Maddie...I.." Connor paused and closed his eyes as he went through an internal battle. He turned back to her and took her hand, and tried to give her another reason other than what had just gone through his head. One that was more reasonable to him. "Please don't misunderstand. This isn't easy for me to pull away..."

"Then why are you?" Maddie asked softly, pulling her hand away as she wrapped her arms around her slender frame as if to protect herself from whatever it was he was going to say next.

Running a hand down over his mouth, Connor turned to lean back against the balcony railing, and stared at her sadly for a moment before saying quietly, "It wouldn't be right. There are ghost here with us. Am I wrong?"

Maddie closed her eyes for a moment before opening them and fixing on him. "So we're supposed to live our lives in their shadow? Not move on?" she said, stopping abruptly as she wondered where that had come from.

His head lowered, he continued to stare at her, his look intense, "We let them go."

"And then what?" Maddie asked, returning his gaze with soulful eyes. Part of her knew what he was trying to say but a big part of her wanted to throw caution to the wind and listen to the feelings that had been swirling like a maelstrom within her from the first day she had met him.

The look in her eyes touching him deep inside, Connor tried to give her an answer. Instead he had to close his own as an image of his 'ghost' went through his head. His hand went over his mouth as she spat at him in an angry whisper, "Connor, you're wrong. You've used your head as an excuse again. And again. And again..! She was sitting in a bed, and her lover pulled himself up to kiss her shoulder before pulling her back down to make love to her... "No!"

Connor opened his eyes to see Maddie watching him, and had to fight the tears that threatened to come. Although he felt glued to the railing, he gestured out a hand to the table. "We should eat first...before the steak gets cold. Fi..figure it out when we're done eating." Inside his head, he wondered 'why now' when he had been doing so well, although it wasn't the first time it had happened this way.

Staying right where she was as she watched him, Maddie recalled her conversation with Brady that afternoon and she said softly "This is to do with your..." she paused as she weighed up whether or not to continue, "With your illness isn't it?" she looked at him, forcing her own desires, her own needs into the background.

"Partly." he admitted quietly, swallowing down his nerves, and keeping his gaze on hers.

"Only partly?" she pushed, needing to understand what was going on because right now she was confused as hell.

Connor could tell she was, and he folded his arms in front of him. "I want to do the right thing." he said, angling his head and frowning, and there was worry in his eyes.

"The right thing?" Maddie echoed, chastising herself for answering everything with a question. "And what exactly is the right thing?" she pushed again seemingly unable to help herself.

"We eat our dinner." He walked over and grabbed onto the back of her chair, " 'n' then I'll explain."


They finished dinner with very little conversation, and while the untrained eye would have no idea, Connor spent the entire time battling anxiety and intrusive thoughts; about him, about her, about what they were wanting to do.

Maddie helped him clear the table, and then excused herself to the bathroom, leaving Connor alone, waiting for her on the sofa. He leaned forward, holding a glass of water in both of his hands. He was nervous and doubtful, and doing his best to just ride through those doubts, and trust in his own judgement of what it was he really wanted; Maddie Sanchez.

To say that her nerves were on edge was an understatement as Maddie exited the bathroom. Connor was a total puzzle to her and yet try as she might she couldn't fight the draw that she felt to him. Standing still for a moment as she watched him, she finally took a deep breath and walked over to the sofa and said "So I guess now we talk."

His eyes sweeping over her, Connor nodded. "Please have a seat." and full of nervous energy, stood up from his and headed out towards the kitchen. "Would you like a bevie?" he shouted back to her.

"That's a drink right?" Maddie called after him, sure that he had used that term before and wondering if it would be worth checking out an Australian slang dictionary in the Academy library database, "If so, I'll have what you're having."

"Yes it is." he shouted back. "Ice water coming up."

The sun was setting over the beautiful view from the balcony, and returning, Connor paused to grab a candle off a shelf. He handed Maddie her ice water, and set the candle on the coffee table, lit it and sat down at the other end of the sofa. The flames of the candle caught his attention as he rubbed his forehead. He was feeling more nervous than he thought he would be.

Silently Maddie sipped her water and waited, figuring that Connor was gathering his thoughts and as the silence stretched between them, she began to shift uncomfortably as his nerves seemingly began to rub off on her.

"The right thing is not always easy to do." Connor said quietly, breaking the silence and feeling as if he was stating the obvious. He continued to stare at the candle.

"No one ever said it was." Maddie replied softly, not entirely sure where he was going with this.

"This is not the right time for us to...to finish what we almost started out there." He was looking at her, watching her, "I don't think either one of us are ready."

Scared of what she might say, Maddie busied herself with drinking down her iced water and fought the urge to run for the door. What could she say to that? Maybe he was right, but how could she not listen to what her body and her heart were telling her right now? How could she continue to resist? She was Puerto Rican and she relied on her feelings and on her passion to guide her on everything she did. Even when her mind told her otherwise she had learned to trust her gut and the one time she hadn't...that one time...people had died.

So tied up in her own thoughts was she that she didn't even realise that she hadn't said anything at all, her gaze entirely focused on the glass in her hand.

"Maddie..." Connor shifted closer and placed both his hands over hers, and the glass she was holding. "I need us to be honest..."

"I'm not sure that you do." Maddie replied with a rueful smile as she took her hands away. She was pretty sure that what was on her mind right now wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"I'll start." he put out his hand, wanting hers back. "I want you more than I have any other woman I have ever wanted, 'n' right now it's..."

Maddie's mouth went dry as he spoke and she automatically reached out to take his hand as she asked "It's what?"

"It's scaring the hell out of me."

"That cuts both ways you know." Maddie replied softly, "I came here looking for peace and instead I've found more raw emotion than I can probably handle." she squeezed his hand before adding "But sometimes you just have to go with the flow and accept what life throws in your face then go along for the ride." She raised her eyes to look at him, everything she was feeling for him laid bare and easy to see.

Connor swallowed; he heard her words, he understood, and the way she looked at him caused his heart to beat even faster. Yet, there were so many reasons in his head to take it slow. Suddenly overwhelmed by it all, he lowered his head and closed his eyes, and reinforcing his hold on her, placed the back of her hand to his forehead.

It didn't take a genius to see he was conflicted and Maddie opted not to push it anymore even though her body was crying out for physical contact. "I should go." she whispered softly, shifting her hand to cradle his cheek as she gazed at him with some as yet undefined emotion.

Looking up to her, Connor nodded, and folding his hand over hers, he stood taking her with him. "Morning comes early." he whispered back.

Closing her eyes for a moment as she imagined the evening ending in a very different way, she leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Good night Connor." she said softly as she pulled back, the action taking everything she had.

Connor soaked it in. The affection, the closeness, but not just for sex. So, for the reason of not stopping her from leaving and keeping it that way, he followed her only half way to the door. "Good Night, Maddie." he said and watched her as she went the rest of the way.

Without looking back for fear she would run back into his arms, Maddie stiffly opened the door and exited finding it harder and harder to leave him each time they met.


End


Captain Madeline Sanchez
XO/Assistant Dean
Magellan Campus

Doctor Connor McKinney
Dean
Magellan Campus