Taking That Leap Of Faith

Posted on Mon Feb 4th, 2019 @ 12:39am by Senior Captain Connor McKinney M.D. PhD & Captain Madeline Sanchez
Edited on on Mon Feb 4th, 2019 @ 3:55pm

Mission: The First Step...
Location: Private Staff Beach
Timeline: 2388/08/28 0005 (August 28 2388 12:05am)

Sleepless nights were becoming routine for Madeline Sanchez. After her very brief meeting with Ivy and Connor, she had kept her head down for the rest of the day, too embarrassed to see either of them after the way she had behaved. As the hours went by, her self destructive self conscience was resulting in her feeling worse and worse to the extent that when she got off duty, she steered clear of Connor for the first time since they had gotten together despite her earlier agreement to see him after work.

And so it was that the tormented Latina found herself wandering down the path to the beach at just gone midnight, thinking that a moonlit walk would help to clear her head. Dressed in a pair of shorts and a white vest top, she slipped off her sandals as she reached the shore and began to walk along in the surf, lines of concern marring her beautiful face.

It was only five minutes into her walk that she finally looked up from her downward gaze at the water and realised that she wasn't alone. Before her, only metres ahead was the man she loved more than anything in the universe and the man whom she was doing her level best to push away even though she didn't want to do it.

With a towel around his bare shoulders after having gone for a swim, Connor sat on a large white rock as he stared out over the ocean at the beautiful Sapientia horizon. There was a warm breeze that brought with it the minerals and smells from the ocean, and the sound of the receding waves flowing over the pebbled beach was soothing to him.

With water still dripping from his wet-curled hair, he grabbed one side of the towel and started wiping his face again, having no clue that Maddie was there.

Maddie had no idea how long she simply stood watching him waging a war within herself about whether she should approach him or leave and have him none the wiser about her presence. Finally, after much soul searching, she finally forced her feet to move towards him. Once she was within earshot, she said softly "Hi."

Hearing her, Connor turned so he could look at her, "Hey..." and then stood to fully face her, "I needed to clear my head...'n' I didn't realize until I was down here that I had forgotten my combadge." He started walking towards her, "I'm sorry it took longer than expected to get Ivy settled in, that I kept you waiting... " and could tell that something was wrong, "Maddie," he shifted so he could get a better look at her face, "did something happen?"

"Apart from me behaving like a total idiot?" Maddie looked up at him with a wry smile. Sighing she admitted softly "I've been avoiding you."

Connor frowned, and then nodded, pulling himself away from her. The thought had crossed his mind that maybe that's what it was that she had been doing, avoiding him. But not wanting to believe she would, he had done his best to categorize it with all the rest of his OCD thoughts. And now here she was admitting it.

He returned to the rock and started putting his shirt on. "You said you were you behaving like a total idiot..." he looked over at her, "how is that?"

"Because I've suddenly got this thing in my head that I'm not good enough for you, that you can do better and that there's a very good chance that I might have blown it with you." Maddie replied, trying to keep her voice void of emotion in an attempt to hide from him just how much of an agonising time she'd had these last few hours since Ivy's appearance had triggered all of her irrational thoughts. Turning to look out over the moonlit ocean, she held her breath, hoping that he wasn't about to push her away for good.

"Not good enough for me..?" Connor shook his head as if he couldn't believe that she would go there. He went back over to her, and gently grabbed her arm to make her look at him, "Why would you think that?"

"Because I'm a washed out Starship Captain who doesn't deserve a second chance." Maddie replied softly, "What kind of prize is that to show off to your family?" she added, bowing her head in shame.

"What kind of prize?" His brows drawn together, he lifted her chin to get her to look at him, "Are you trying to find a reason to walk away from me?"

"I'm just being realistic." Maddie replied, meeting his gaze with pain in her eyes, "Happy ever after and Madeline Sanchez don't belong in the same sentence together." she added thinking about Thomas, Drago, the Minotaur, the Tomahawk.

"Okay.." he nodded, his eyes studying hers, and then swallowing hard, he released her to go lean back against the rock with his hands pressed against it. He felt his heart sink; she was trying to break it off with him. "Obviously... you see something that I don't. So what happened to not telling someone that you love them 'n' then turning tail at the first time of strife?"

Maddie frowned at him for a moment before saying softly "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. So much that it hurts." tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke and she took a step closer to him. She had no idea what was going on here, her own insecurities were running rampant and she could visibly see him pulling away from her.

"Are you telling me it's not enough? I don't understand, Maddie." he said strongly, at first bewildered, "What happened to what we talked about...just this morning?" his mind going there:

"But I shouldn't have brought us up right now..."

"Why not?" she had asked with a frown, "I mean, if it helps you to get your mind off Alex then I don't mind." she said softly.

He had reached over and grabbed her hand, held it firmly as if he would have to keep 'her' from pulling away. "Because I have relationship OCD, 'n' stress or trauma often triggers it's symptoms. You got a glimpse of it yesterday, Maddie, 'n' I don't want to direct it at you. I'm trying to keep that from happening."

"But I understand Connor." she had replied quietly, leaving her hand just where it was, "Brady told me the kinds of things you experience and he told me that it was going to be hard." she placed her free hand on top of his and added "I know that I'll feel shut out, pushed away, in the way and more at times and I know that it'll hurt, just like it did last night but I'm not a kid Connor, I know that this relationship is going to be hard but I'm willing to stick at it." she lifted her hand to touch his cheek and whispered "Because I love you with all my heart."

Feeling touched but feeling bewildered then too, his eyes had began to mist over. "Why? No..." he quickly corrected, "don't answer that. Just, if it ever changes, walk away. Promise me that."

"It won't ever change." she had smiled at him, "A heart knows when it finds its match. But if it makes you feel better then yes, if I ever fall out of love with you then I'll walk away."

Then in the now, he took notice she was walking towards him, not away from him.

"You know, I..." it was still becoming hard to breathe, "told you a month ago I wasn't ready for a relationship. I've told you I have relationship ocd, 'n' how that means I have to deal with constant intrusive thoughts 'n' doubts, ones about us all the time. It's still so confusing to what I had to deal with before. So it's...it's a good thing," he said, his eyebrows rising, "that I had a real good session with the Counselor this arvo or you 'n' I would both be feeding those doubts right now." He paused, needing to swallow, "We went over the skills I have learned over the years to help me cope, 'n' I realized that I have to learn how to differentiate my OCD anxiety from our relationship...but as long as I suffer from the OCD, I'm never going to know if you're right for me."

"So what are we saying here?" Maddie whispered, moving closer still, confused by both her own and his feelings. She might not feel worthy of him but she knew that she loved him deeply and she was pretty sure that a rejection would destroy her completely.

"That we think we love each other, but maybe we're scared," he replied, "that we're unsure of how we should do this, that we both have issues we need to deal with. My 'issue'..." he felt a strong urge to hold her, but held back, "isn't going anywhere, 'n' there's..." he shook his head while looking away from her for a couple of seconds, "there's nothing I can do about that, but if I keep working at it, I can have more good days than bad. But right now.." he shook his head again as he looked down, as if pained him to say more, "with Alex..."

"It's the wrong time." she filled in for him and sighed, "I understand. You need to have space to deal with that. You don't need me turning into a diva and second guessing myself." she sighed deeply wanting nothing more than to simply stop talking and show him physically just how important he was to her. She was a passionate woman and sometimes words just got in the way.

At first Connor shook his head at what she was saying, and then he just listened. "Sometimes I need the space but sometimes I don't. I don't want you second guessing yourself. What I want is for you to do what I was finally able to last night... just..." he extended out a hand, wanting hers, "take a leap of faith, Maddie."

Without a second thought, Maddie took his hand and stepped closer to him, her breath catching in her throat as she looked at him expectantly, her dark eyes filled with love beyond anything she could comprehend.

He pulled her into his arms and held onto her tightly. "Thank you." he whispered, unable to comprehend what he would have done, how it would have felt, if she hadn't taken that step.

"For being an idiot?" Maddie smiled at him, the twinkle back in her eyes as he held her and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

Connor managed to smile back but chose not to answer her question. He wanted assurances, "No avoiding each other...agreed?"

"Agreed." Maddie lowered her eyes for a moment before saying "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," he whispered, "let's put it behind us." Then placing his lips on hers, he kissed her softly, giving her room to object if she didn't want that right now.

Letting out a soft sigh of contentment, Maddie eagerly kissed him back, her arms snaking around his neck as she deepened the kiss. It was if she were drowning and he was her only lifeline. She loved him with all of her heart and she couldn't believe that her own insecurities had almost driven him away when he was so vulnerable and in need of her being strong.

Connor broke the kiss. "I need you," he whispered against her lips, echoing her thoughts.

Pulling back so she could gaze up at him, she whispered "I need you too...your place or mine?" A slow sexy smile spread over her lips as she forced her doubts away.

Cupping her face in his warm hands, he found himself smiling back. "My place...'n' stay the whole night with me." he said encouragingly, while rubbing his nose against hers, his eyes revealing how much he wanted her too.

"I'd like that." Maddie replied before asking "Why did any of this even happen? I'm stupid." she took his hand and turned to walk towards their apartment block, a sense of urgency in her step.

After a few feet Connor stopped, causing her to turn back towards him. "Do I make you feel that way?"

"No mi amor." Maddie smiled at him, squeezing his hand for reassurance, "I make me feel that way...I'm stupid for even doubting that we could work." she moved in to kiss him softly on the cheek.

Swallowing, Connor nodded, placing his arm around her shoulder to start moving them back towards their destination.

~~~End~~~


Captain Madeline Sanchez
Assistant Dean
Magellan Campus

&

Doctor Connor McKinney
Dean
Magellan Campus