Please Don't Make Me

Posted on Fri Feb 24th, 2017 @ 11:53pm by Senior Captain Connor McKinney M.D. PhD & Captain Brady Dering M.D., PhD & Captain Madeline Sanchez
Edited on on Wed Sep 12th, 2018 @ 6:42pm

Mission: My Place In This Universe
Location: Dean's Office
Timeline: 2388/08/13 1443 (August 13 2388 1443)

Maddie watched Sonia leave and waited until the door closed before almost snarling "I won't go...and you can't make me."

Connor stared at her incredulously, and he didn't care for her tone. "What's going on?" he asked, his eyes studying her, "Why are you getting this way?!"

Like a caged tiger, Maddie paced the room, her gaze diverted from Connor lest he see the pain in her eyes. "I almost left Starfleet over this...don't give me a reason to change my mind and go."

His eyes following her, he questioned her loudly, "Don't give you a reason?! Such as a test run on a training vessel?!" It was obvious by the sound in his voice that he was both confused and annoyed.

"It's a starship." Maddie replied, "And I will not set foot on one ever again in any kind of command capacity. My job here is to run the Academy...let others do the space training." she added, visibly shaking now. Deep inside she was regretting her decision to stay...she shouldn't have let Brady talk her into it.

"Sit down, Maddie." He looked as concerned as he was feeling, and he directed her to one of the chairs.

Pausing midstride, Maddie considered ignoring the command but then saw Connor's face and silently obliged.

His facial muscles tense, Connor walked over to her. He slid the coffee table away, grabbed another chair, and placed it down in front of her before he sat in it. They sat facing each other, his legs on either side of hers, and he ran his hand down over his mouth and chin before sitting back to stare at her. He swallowed hard, and said, "Thank you...again...for being there for me the other day."

Taken aback by the change in subject, Maddie blinked a few times and said unsteadily "I...uh...you're welcome." Still shaking with emotion, she found herself acutely aware of him as her eyes focused on his. He was fast becoming the calm in the emotional storm that was coursing through her right now.

"What's going on here, Maddie?"

"Wha...what do you mean?" Maddie whispered, swallowing hard.

His look becoming more intense, Connor inhaled deeply in an attempt to calm his own nerves. He rubbed his forehead. "You weren't focused on that interview." he replied, moving his hand to grab onto his leg. "You defied me in front of one of our department heads...you gave me an ultimatum." he gestured his hand out to her, "You were near a panic attack at the thought of riding along on a training ship."

"I take it you've read my personnel file?" Maddie's shoulders slumped in defeat, "You know about the court martial?"

Frowning, he nodded, "Yes."

"Well the verdict was wrong." Maddie bit out as tears formed a sheen over her eyes, "I was responsible for those twenty people who died!" she stood up again, "I..." she pounded her chest with her fist, "Was the one who ruined the lives of twenty families and had to tell them about it, I was the one who should have taken the blame and I won't...." the tears began to flow, "I can't do that ever again...it's why I left the Tomahawk, why I wanted to leave the fleet." her eyes flashed with self disgust as she added "I had no business taking that command, pretending like nothing had happened..." she flopped back down in the chair and buried her head in her hands, shaking her head side to side as she mumbled "No business at all."

Connor leaned forward quickly, placing his hands over hers. "Maddie..." he said quietly, then slowly bringing his face down close to hers as he cradled her head. "It's going to be okay..."

With tears streaming down her face she whimpered "How can it be okay? Twenty people died because of a decision I made...I deserve to burn in hell for that." she sobbed.

It didn't matter that person after person and counsellor after counsellor had tried to convince her otherwise, the absence of those twenty crew members festered away in her heart like an open wound and running away from the Tomahawk and from Drago hadn't helped either. It had only served to make her even lonelier. And that she was convinced was the reason why despite her distress, the feel of Connor's hands on her felt so comforting and so right as if he had been made to take it all away and to make her feel better. Raising her eyes to meet his, she swallowed hard and allowed herself, just for one moment to dream that things were different and that he wasn't in love with another woman. A woman who wasn't her.

"No you don't." Connor replied emotionally, he held her face in one hand. "Out here...we are all at risk, 'n' there are those of us who are placed in the position to make life or death decisions. There are just ..." he hesitated, his eyes searching hers, his heart was pounding, "no guarantees..."

"But it helps if you have a CO who'll look after you." Maddie replied as she held his gaze, her breathing speeding up a little, her pupils dilating as emotions began to stir deep within her.

With those words and the look in her eyes, Connor touched his forehead to hers and closed his eyes, not thinking about the consequences nor how drawn he was to her. He was worried about her. Was what was going on with her the beginning of a phobia? Considering her history, could it be PTSD? He couldn't be sure. Only he understood far more than he felt she could possibly realize.

Needing the comfort right now, Maddie shifted and slid over onto his lap, wrapping her arms around him as she rested her head on his shoulder and wept.

He wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her head. "Maddie..." he said, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply; his own emotions running high as he realized the position he had placed them in.

"Yes?" Maddie responded softly followed by a slight sniff. She waited for him to talk, hoping that the next words out of his mouth wasn't going to be an order for her to board the training ship.

Connor moved, causing her to stand with him. With one of his hands he held the side of her face, and tapped his combadge with his other. "McKinney to Lane." he said quietly, " Teri, I need Doctor Dering to come to my office. No one else is to come in here."

=^=Of course, Doctor.=^=

Jerking away from him as if she'd been burned, Maddie resumed pacing as she said "Brady? Seriously?" she whirled to face him her eyes flashing with anger as she added "You think I'm nuts?"

Connor flinched. How many times had he heard himself say those very same words, accusing someone of thinking he was crazy. "I think you know better than that!" he nearly shouted back, and with the look on her face, her need to still cry through the anger, he placed his hand over his mouth, thinking of what next to say. "Maddie.." he took a step towards her, calming his voice, "You've been in counseling for the past two weeks. I just think it would be a bonza idea if you talk to Brady, tell him how you're feeling..."

"I just...." Maddie's eyes filled with fresh tears, "I'll be fine...I just need to be left alone to sort through this myself." she said in a very shaky voice that wasn't going to fool anyone.

"It doesn't work that way.." he said, then swallowing,"I know this first hand."

"You're not me though Connor...who's to say that I'm not capable of that?" she looked at him with haunted eyes, desperate to bury her head in the sand rather than face her own demons.

Looking upset himself, Connor stared at her, not finding the words he felt he needed to convince her, when the door suddenly opened and Brady walked in.

"Sir...?" Brady looked questioningly between them, their expressions not getting past him, and he slowly closed the door behind him. "Maddie..." his eyes continuing to go between them, he asked, "What's going on here?"

Looking over at Brady, Maddie replied "When you convinced me to take the job here you didn't tell me that I'd be expected to board a starship in a command role again." Still angry and scared at the thought, the look she shot Brady could have felled a lesser man.

With his hands on his hips, Connor stared sadly at her. "For a short ride on a training vessel."

"Maybe that's all it is to you!" Maddie replied hotly, the emotions still simmering beneath the surface.

Conor took a step back, averting her heated gaze, "You don't have to go." and then looked over to Brady, "Talk to her." before leaving the room.


End


Captain Madeline Sanchez
XO/Assistant Dean
Magellan Campus

Doctor Connor McKinney
Dean
Magellan Campus

Lt Commander Brady Dering, M.D.
Zulu Fleet Psychiatrist
Temp assign - Magellan campus