Sanity In Peril

Posted on Sun Sep 5th, 2021 @ 3:32pm by Senior Captain Connor McKinney M.D. PhD & Captain Madeline Sanchez

Mission: Courage
Location: A cabin on a mountain, near BallyweemSapientia
Timeline: 2388/09/01 0836 (Mon. Sept. 01 2388 8:36am)

Previously:
A Forced Leave Of Absence
To Figure Things Out


After telling Maddie about the surgery, Connor needed some air. He spent over an hour outside chopping some logs into firewood and then ended up busy in the kitchen doing some prep, albeit early, for their next meal. While he loved to cook, he knew he wasn't doing it this time for his own enjoyment, but as a reactive distraction from what was really bothering him.

He stopped, closing his eyes, as the feeling that Maddie was avoiding him grew. If he let that feeling grow, then what was between them would only get worse.

"Maddie," he suddenly spoke out loud enough to grab her attention, "We need to talk about this."

"Talk about what?" Maddie looked up from the PADD she had supposedly been reading but that in reality she had been staring at mindlessly, her thoughts elsewhere.

He continued to stare at her with his facial muscles tightening due to the stress he was feeling, and her being obtuse certainly wasn't helping. "We need to talk about the decision I need to make. What it means for us. I can't..." He leaned onto the counter with both hands and hung his head for a long moment before looking back up to her when he shook his head slowly. "I can't avoid it, it's not going away."

Setting aside the PADD, Maddie let out a slow, pained breath as she watched him and said "I know." She repositioned herself on the edge of the couch and patted the seat next to her, "But the truth is that I'm not sure that I can help you with this because I'm scared that I won't help you to make the decision that's right for you."

Her voice sounding far away, Connor closed his eyes again, feeling reluctant to go over to her. There was pressure building inside his head, and when he reopened his eyes, his vision was blurring.

In his mind, he was asking her, "Are you sure that's the reason?"

"What other reason would I have?" Maddie returned, cocking her head slightly to look at him.

"How about regret?" he asked, but more as a statement. "Don't play games with me, Maddie. Be honest with me."

"Regret about what?" Maddie deliberately played the fool, not sure that it was right to hurl all of her negative thoughts his way.

Back to the real Maddie, he slapped both hands down hard on the counter to lean on it, and glared at her, his eyes tearing up as he fought to get the angry words out, "I think you should bail."

Anger flared in her eyes at his reaction but she didn't flinch. "Well...clearly, you're hell bent on me doing just that." she said with ice dripping from every word as she turned to go.

This time, at her words, he was caught off balance. As she turned, it clicked what had been happening the past couple of days happened again and an alarm went off inside him. "No, Maddie," he shook his head. "I'm not..."

"Really?" Maddie shot back, "It doesn't look like that from where I'm standing." as she turned back to face him.

For a couple of strong heartbeats, all Connor could do was stare in return until the words came. "It's not how it looks..." He started walking towards her, feeling desperate and there was fear in his eyes. But then he stopped, afraid to come any further. "I was hallucinating."

"Hallucinating?" Maddie's eyebrows shot up, "What?" she looked confused, "You mean that?"

He took in a much-needed deep breath and nodded, "Yes..." There was despair in his voice. "I do." And then running a hand down over his mouth and chin, he worked on his composure and went over to the couch, where he sat down.

"Okay...can you explain?" Maddie sat down opposite him, "Because you've got to give me more than that."

"I know," he replied and started to rub his hands together, as the battle if she should leave or stay continued. "A moment ago," he continued quietly, "I experienced a conversation with you that wasn't real...'n' it took a moment for me to realize that it...hadn't really happened." That it had been faster than previous times then occurred to him.

"Are you sure it wasn't just your imagination playing tricks on you?" Maddie asked, wishing she'd taken more of an interest in psychology at the Academy because it would have been really useful right now.

"That's basically the same thing," he answered and then paused for a few heartbeats wishing they didn't have to go into what he was about to say next. "This isn't my first time."

"Okay...then perhaps you'd better start from the beginning?" Maddie looked at him directly.

Connor nodded, locking eyes with her, feeling it was time for her to know. "It's called OCD with Poor Insight or Psychotic Features. The first time was around seven...maybe eight months ago. I had envisioned violently killing a man. It seemed so real that I believed I had. I was horrified, ready to turn myself in, ready to confess, but then I saw him...very much alive. I had never touched him. He hadn't been present when I thought I had."

His eyes misting over again, feeling more depressed, Connor continued, "The worst of it, what also separated it from any intrusive thought I had ever had, was that when I realized I hadn't killed him, I felt...disappointed." That hung in the air for a moment. "See the real man you fell in love with."

"But that wasn't real." Maddie noted, "And was he a bad man? Was he someone who deserved to die?" she asked, wondering if this was the reason that Connor had been so disappointed.

Connor placed his hands together and gently shook his head as he closed his eyes while facing downwards. "No, he didn't deserve to die," he said, not wanting to go back to that time in his life when he had a breakdown. "The sane me could never wish that on anyone."

"Well the sane you is the real you so that's a good thing right?" Maddie tried to encourage him, well aware that she was far from being a shrink and hoping that her words weren't doing him more harm than good.

He nearly whispered his reply, "I'm not sure anymore if the real me is sane, Maddie."

What did you reply to a statement like that? Maddie watched him for a moment before reaching across and taking his hand, figuring that the best thing was simply to let him know that she was there for him. The man had his demons and only he could work through them.

To be continued...